So you stayed back...

Its ok you whispered and lightly pushed me forward,

your palm on the small of my back

I started walking away and could still feel you on me,

could see your face and feel your arms

I turned around with every step i took.... asked you to come with me
sometimes a whisper ....
sometimes i yelled after you so loudly that the sound of my voice echoed in my head for weeks

I walked further away and you wouldn't move,

desperately watching your stillness i walked further away

I cling to your smell in my head, i see the shadow of your body over my life in the dusk
i can't see you anymore

i am still walking and i can hear you asking me to go on

I've bargained and pledged and provoked you
your calmness, your reassuring smile the desperation they breathed on me
too tired to carry on

have forgoten how to stand still

too scared to turn i just keep on walking

further and further away

Some days everything is .... glitchy and some days everything is ... well, easy

smooth days,
elegant turns and summery blurry outlines

light steps and childish awe

touch..not light...secure grips

secure grips to give you the force to leap

warm

light

leaping

skipping days

.
.
.
.
.
.

Waiting on a decision to be made for me
can't wait around anymore
i have no say
i have not found an opinion yet

and i'm waiting for the decision
and life is going to start any second now
and i'm turning around on the same spot and you get by
get by me
get by the house
get by on work
you just get by

and i'm still turning
still on the same spot

no decision, no answer, no plan but no freedom
and I can't sail yet
I don't know where to
will it be with you?
this time

and everything is quick around

turning

and everything is forcefully still inside

on the same spot

still

no opinion and no inspiration no clever words no music
nowhere to go and the world is spread in front of me
and its a step away
I AM a step away

I am holding my breath
I let go of your hand
of the house
of myself

till the decision comes
they'll let you know a morning
and you'll call me at work
and i'll breath
either way
because the decision will be made for me
and i'll stop turning
will i walk? or run...i might dance a little
hold you again
get by a little

saddness
happiness
ecstacy
they all come in waves

tears
smiles
laughter
screaming
they pull me down
deep
i can't breath


they push me up to the surface
deep breaths
strong sun
shiny beaches
how long do i have?

here comes another one

it's got me from the ankles
my ears are ringing
its too quick this time
seaweed is brushing against my thighs

keep my mouth shut
hope the breath was deep enough to last me down here

one more time

hope the memory of the sun is strong enough to keep me sane

one more time

here comes another one

breath!!

breathe

open your eyes slowly to the day and let the light touch your senses

the years you've lived are light

full
ofcourse, full and busy
but light
not dragging you down not pushing you forward

just being there in you like an introverted aura

you've earned from them
...no no i did not mean learned i meant earned...


smile and let the light spread from your eyes to touch my senses

subtle
with a silent b
i need to learn this and i repeat it out loud several times
then I remember i'm not alone and I'm mouthing the word instead hearing it in my mind
stupid
i need to stop pronouncing u as in french its not closed its open
Don't pronounce the h at the beginning of the word

you sound vulgar

these are not my words, they are on loan
these sounds, this language has shallow young roots
easily torn out of me when the time comes to return them

(or so i wish)

*****

Half of the letters in the words have no sound
stop revealing them
hidden sounds thoughts emotions
is the language reflective of the character?

HIDE

repetition of sounds, practice the 'english mouth muscles'
u coin words, put together odd sentences

you sound mentally challenged

Can't put my finger on it (is this correct?)
The thoughts are stuck somewhere between their formation and their reproduction out loud
the translation buffer is challenged

how do you translate the memories

Need.
to.
speak.
now.
Need.
to.
explain.

I'm drowning in meaningless words

my own language is mixed with the 'rented' one

strange letters and sounds and

no meaning

Need.
NOT.
to.
speak.
now.
NO.
Need.
to.
explain.

In my head, in this mess of sounds there is no meaning left

Rehearsal

I rehearse the separation
not the words,

the feeling

the aftermath

I hold your book in my hands, I open and smell the pages.
What a comfort,

the smell of the paper

Like going back

I can see from the wrinkles at the spine of the book, your pace while reading it. You read the first hundred pages or so in one go, then you took your time, 4 more wrinkles, equal in size. You held this book reading it 6 different times.
How many times have you held me?

I can't tell.

I remember them all.

...

You look at me smiling through that picture at the beach in spring
We've walked all day around the city and we ended up at its edge
You look tired and happy
The sky is not grey, nor is it blue
It's white,

like in children's drawings

Tired and happy like a child after a full play day at the park, we've been playing all around the city that day. We've been playing and fighting and forgetting the arguments like children do all our time together.

....

I hold that shell you brought me from that silly trip to the past of yours. That silly trip that resurfaced all my sleeping demons. You came back and handed me the shell and that was it. The demons slided down its shiny curves and disappeared somewhere deep in their sleep again
And that was it
I knew that with you my demons will be back in their deep sleep for a long,

long time

...

You are all around me, I bite my lips and they remind me of your kisses
my fingers remind me of your body
I can't rehearse it, too many things of yours... of us,

too much of you all inside

I can't rehearse it,

but I can feel it

as if it's now

You are gone,
its a trip this time, you'll be back soon
But the inevitable is not very far, I can reach if I stretch my arms, extend my fingertips with my eyes shut I can feel it

Its coming towards me and I don't want to be on stage without rehearsal
I don't want to be there and be laughed at
I don't want to be there unprepared

I don't want to be there